PTSD II

     OUT of the 300 or so people in my AIT class for Combat Medical training, 3 of us were not selected to go to Vietnam.. The top 3 in scores were sent elsewhere. one was assigned to Thailand. one to Hawaii, and I was sent to Okinawa. What a relief.

To this day I still figure that there was  higher level plan to eliminate the 1AO population. Since the Government couldn't send us all to prison, they sent us to Combat medic school, because medics are a high priority target in aa firefight. A way to get rid of us while not appearing toget rid of us.

Any way after a 30 day leave,, off I went.

When I got off the plane on Okinawa , standing on yhe tarmac of Kadena Air Field, I heard this whirwhirwhir noise in the air. I turned to look as a SR-71 came in for a landing. I had  never seen or heard of the Blackbird spy plane. As my jaw dropped, I thought "Holy shit batman, you aren't in Kansas anymore".

I went to Personnel to be processed and given an assignment. After examining my scores, they sent me to the Psychiatric department for an interview. I was interviewed by Col. Scott Peck, who was to becme my mentr fr the next two years. Although I had no real experience, they thought  would fit in nicely with their organization.

So I was assigned to the front desk, to handle the office. Sounded like an OK job. They were going to teach me to administer standard tests (MMPI etc) .   

Shortly after I was assigned, I was in my bunk sleeping when I woke op mid-air. Had no idea what was going on. The ground was jumping up and down and had thrown me out of bed. I turned and looked out the baracks window, and there was a huge black red amd yellow cloud to the north of us. My immediate thought was that sone idiot had pushed the big red button, and I was watching the end of civilization as we knew it. I hunkered down and waited for the shock wave to hit, It never did. I found out later that  B52 had gone den with a full load of bombs. The scary part was that it had gone down a short distance feom Ichibana which was at that time the largest storage facility for chemical and biological warefare stores outside of the US, A little change in flight path,, and there would probably would be nothing left alive on Okinawa.

The next thing that happened was to affect me for the rest of my life.

I was in my normal place at the reception desk, when Capt. Rod Carman told me to be on the alert. There was a special prisoner being brought in to be interviewed for a legal sanity exam.

Earl Pleasant was a Marine. He had done six tours in Vietnam and wanted to go back for a seventh, Rumors had been going around that he enjoyed killing people. I mean he REALLY enjoyed it. And he wasn't real discerning about who he killed. He was sent to Okinawa while the Marines tried to figure out if he was fit to return. He got tired of waiting for the Brass to make up their minds, so he went to push thjngs along. He went into the Company Commanders office and demanded to be sent back. When his demand was refused, he emptied an M-16 into the CO.

We ran a Multi-service treatment facility in the Hospital at Camp Kue. We were tasked with examining him to asses his sanity for legal purposes. Capt. Carman was going to do the interview.

They brought him into the reception area, Three fully armed Marines. Loaded weapons, He was in chains, shackles, handcuffs. He was about average height, slender and seemed  pretty chill for a dude undergoing a psychiatric exam 

Capt. Carman told the guards to remove the restraints. Said "I will not interview a man in restraints". The head guard said "Sir, we were specifically ordered to not remove his restraints under any circumstances". Captain Carman pointed to the Captain's bars and then at the guards stripes, and told the guard "These bars outrank your stripes, and I am giving yo a direct order to remove the restraints. If you want to keep those stripes, I strongly suggest you do not refuse a direct order from  superior officer,"

The guard replies he would remove the restraints under protest. So the restraints were removed and the prisoner and the doctor went into a conference room to the right of the desk.

I was siting at my desk a few minutes later when u heard a commotion in the conference and a very faint "help    help" so I jumped up and ran over to the door.

When I went in, the prisoner had Dr. Carman bent over backwards over his desk and was being choked out. Capt. Carman appeared to be unresponsive, and his lips were blue.

Since the prisoner's back was to me. He was positioned such that I could come up behind him and put him in a full nelson wrestling hold. The next few seconds were not real clear. I remember being smashed up against the office furniture. I do remember being smashed into a file cabinet, The more he fought the tighter i held either he was going to submit or I was going to break his neck, I was terrified that he would get loose.

He was a trained to kill people, and enjoyed doing it. he would have no problem disposing of me, As I tightened down on him, after some time he ceased to struggle. He said " You can let go. I'm OK mow" I replies "Well I am NOT" and tightened down a little more.

Eventually the head guard peeked around the corner and asked "Is everything OK in here?" I am not sure what I said, but I am pretty sure it turned the air blue and contained several words that should not be used in polite company.

The guards put him back in his restraints and I checked on Dr Carman.

I didn't sleep for a couple of days.

I had to testify at his cour martial a couple of months later, He stared at me with such total malevolence the whole time that it freaked me out, His look said that somewhere, some time we would meet again, and he would end me. His eyes were not those ofa sane person. There was noting human in them. Whatever traits of humanity had ever inhabited that body had long since departed.I know that pure evil exists in this world. Not as an abstract idea, but as a real perceptible force, because I have looked it in the eye and triumphed over it. But it still scared the shit out of me.

I have seen that look other times in my life. Charlie Manson had that same look. My wife was watching  a true crime show a couple of months ago, and one of the scenarios was about a dude in Tennessee who went on this senseless crime spree. They showed a shot of him being interviewed, and he had that same batshit crazy smile that Earl  pleasant did during his trial. Nothing human lived behind those eyes. Gave me nightmares for weeks.

I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night in the clutches of a dream, convinced that something evil is in the room. It takes a quite a while for my conscious mind to convince me that it isn't real.

PTSD

    Not a subject I really enjoy getting into, but one I have been puting off for a long time.

    When I moved out here to the sticks, I really wanted to get away from what I considered a toxic sociiety that looked to me like it was spinning out of control. This was right before Covid hit, which reinforced my opinion. Nothing since has happened that would cause me to reconsider my opinion.

    My lillte brother came out to deliver a couple of things from my mothers estate, ans when he was here, he asked me why I wanted to move way out in the stick. I really didn't have an answer for him. I hadn't considered it seriously before.

    About that time I went into a serious depressive tail spin, which ended with me sreiously considering whether my life was worth continuing. Sreious enough that I called the  veterans hotline. Going through my regular primary care PhysiciannI was interviewed by by a head shrinker. His first question was "Have you experienced any trauma".

    Boy howdy. I spent the next hour telling him tales of my experiences in the Psychiatric Depr, in the Army.

His diagnosis was that I had PTSD. I hadn't ever thought about my state of mind from that particular perspective. When I thought about it, it made total sense. I had constantly battled with depression m entire adult life, but I had never thought about PTSD.

    So they started me on a new anti-depressant. I had tried about every one known to man with varying results, but none of them seemed to be of much help, or the side effects were too severe to use them for any length of time. The new stuff worked better than anything I had used before.

    

    So let me go back and start from the beginning.

    I was a consciencious objector. I had studied Far Eastern History in College, so I was one of the few people that understood the political history of Southest Asiaa. We had no business being involved in a struggle that had been going on fot thousands of years. There was no threat to the U.S., not any of our allies. I refused to be dragged into a position where I was legally required to follow orders I considered unethical. My status was put on hold while my case, along with a bunch of others was bumper up as far as the Supreme Court. 

    At that time the only people allowed 1AO status were people belonging to certain religious faiths. The Supreme Court decided that people with strong moral pronciples could also be  1AO. 

I suppose i should explain what 1AO status means in the Army. It means that you agree to serve in the millitary, but refused to cary a weapon or egauge in battle. All 1AO servicemen in the Army went though a special Basic training at Fort Sam Houston in Texas, where when they completed basic training, they wnet on to Combat Medic training.

    From the minute I was drafted, I was treated like crap by the Army. They didn't like anyone who was ddifferent that your standard mudsucker. Their standard perjorative was "maggot".

    After basic training I got sent to Okinawa, with an MOS of Combat Medic. THere wasn't a lot of combat on Okinawa,but the Psychiatric Service was looking for an office flunky, so I got interviewed for office duty for he head shrinkers. All of my scores on the Army aptitude tests were off the scale, so they decided to take a chance on me.

    

Fishing

 I have always loved fishing. 

Even if you dont catch anything there is the enjoyment of being out on nature and away from the pressures of everyday life.

I had been feeling kinda flustered and under some pressure because I had a bunch of physical work that needed to be done but I was behind since my hands had not fully recovered from surgery on my thumbs. Running a chainsaw isn't on the list of approved activities during recovery and I had a 100 year olf fir tree that was dead and needed to be turned into firewood.

It was a beautiful morning forecast for the next day, so I loaded my little rowboat in the back of my old  pickup truck and drafter my daughter to be  my fishing partner, and set the alarm clock for 6:00.

This is the only time I set my alarm clock since I retired. To go fishing.

It was still dark when we hit the road, stimulated by a couple of cups of coffee.

As we came areund the corner and exited the Hiway, the sun was just peeking out from behind a light spread of clouds. A light whisp of fog was lying over the top of the lake, drifting along at the whim of a light breeze, the sunlight reflected off of the water gave the lake a slight orange cast. I stopped the truck and just sat there for a moment just drinking it all in.

With the optimism of fishermen all over the earth, I unloaded the boat and we transferred out gear into the boat. Rowing was my chosen occupation. I like the low impact exercise of rowing. Quietly dipping the oars and rotating them in aa slow and steady pace inserted me into the peace and  quiet of the scene.

My daughter put on a worm and dropped it overside, I had not even baited op, but there was a trout so eager to be caught that he impaled himself on the hook before we had gotten twenty feet from the dock.

I dropped my line over the side and went to help her boat the fish. Before I could get to her, I, too had a fish on. She had a 10" trout and I had a 8" perch. I then rowed to the south side of the lake to our usual spot. we caught and released loads of perch, keeping only the ones we figured were worth cleaning.

We were down to our last few worms ans Lisa was attending to a line snarl. her worm was dangling over the side a couple of inches over the water when we heard  splash. we were startled and glanced over where he worm hung and a widening ripple of water showed where a fish had come out of the water to try to get the bait.

we were startled when the fish turned back for a second pass. He hit the bait a second time and it flew out of his mouth. Lis grabbed her pole and tries to coax him around for another attempt. Once she hd the polee in her hand, the fish was nowhere to be seen. after she got frustrated trying to attract hi, I sggested she fix her line, which still had a tangle.

She set her pole down, exactly like it was before.

The fish came back and hit the bait for the third time. This time he hooked himself.

We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

We were out bait and I figured we had probably used up all f out luck any way, so we put away out gear and started back.

Final score 4 nice trout 25 good sized perch an incredible sunrise. Fish that actually caught themselves. A memory that will remain with me forever.

Little House

 I can't pass up a good deal.

So I bought a little house, I know it is a thing lately, but I do like the idea of a small portable living space. All of the RV type of things I have ever owned just didn't really fit my desires

We had some people buy the land next door with the intention of "homesteading" but they had no idea what they were getting into. They got ripped off by the company that cleared the land they had no idea that there was a two year backlog in new house construction. 

They bought a trailer to live in and bought a little house bare shed 15 X 30, and had it delivered. Then they finished it out. Divided the interior into a bedroom, bathroom living room and kitchen. Ran all the electrical wiring and plumbing, Sheetrocked the interior, and put some cheap plywood down for flooring. they put in a refrigerator and stove, tub sinks shower.  put in a countertop in the kitchen. Painted everything. 

Then their plans fell apart and they are going to move, so they offered up the little house for sale. They had invested over $40,000 in it, I offered them $37,500 for it and they accepted my offer.

Lets just say that getting it moved turned out to be more of an adventure than I counted on. After much sweat and cursing and frustration and a bunch more money, it now sits on my property. Not where I wanted it. but it is here.. It still needs a bunch of work, so we have been working on getting it hooked up to water and electricity.

There is no moisture barrier for the floor. so we have to pull up the flooring and add that and then put in some good flooring. They did a terrible job of doing the countertop, so that all needs to be taken out and done over, but none of those things is expensive, just time consuming.

I think that when all is said and done we will have about $45,000 into it all done. I have checked areund anf similar units, fully furnished run 60 t0 70 grand.

Should turn a nice profit.

Disappeared

 I was winding down a busy day, laying in bed, reading a book.

Thw phone rang. A phone call after 10:00 usually means bad  news.

It was my friennd and neighbor from up the road.. He said the police were caanvassing the area, asking if people had seen or talked to another of our neighbors, Dan Brewer. He had not been seen since early in the day, when she had said said goodbye and went into town to run some errands. Dan was supposed to go over to a friends place to help work on a tractor. This was at about 9:00 in the morning.

His wife came home in the afternoon, and Dan was not around, so she assumed he was still over helping with the tractor, so she laid down to take a short nap.

When she woke up from her nap, Dan was still not around, so she called the friends house to see if he was still around. He was not there, in fact he had never been there that day, had never called or showed up.

she began calling the neighbors and friends. Still no Dan.

She called thee hospitals then the police.

The police came out and started contacting people in the in the neighborhood. We border on the Olympic Forrest, so the police put up a helicopter who ran search patterns in the area. About that time Search and Rescue was brought in. They brough in a whole group of volunteers to hit the brush and do a search of the woods. A couple of people  brought drones but by that time it was getting dark so they called off the search for the night, but were back as soon as it was light.

They searched for a couple oof days, but they found no sign of Dan. The weather had been nasty with mixed freezing rain and snow, and low temps at night. After three days, it became a recovery search as opposed to a rescue.

It haunted me that maybe he had taken a fall and could not get back on the trail, was maybe laying in a ditch somewhere freezing stuck in a ditch with a broken leg or something. 

After a couple more days with absolutely no sign of him, they called off the search.

It still haunts me for some reason.

Near and Deer

 Several years ago I plaanted a couple of espaliered five-in-one apple trees. That is when all the limbs are trned to grow along a single plane. If done properly the trees are amazing looking.

I got interested in doing this because we stopped at a Dairy Queen in Raymong, Wa., and along the northern property boundary were a series of espaliered junipers. I had never seen anything like it and it stuck in my brain.

When I was visiting a local nursery i came across these two five-in-one apple tree starts that had been espaldiered, so I had to have them.

It tkes several years to get appreciable results. This spring, the two trees were beginning to look really nice. They had formed a living fence. When in bloom it was pretty spectacular.

And then it wasn't

I live on the edge The Olympic National Forest. 100 yards to the south of my driveway there is a sign that says "PAVEMENT ENDS". The area is inhabited by bear, coyotes, cougar, eagles elk. And deer. Lots od deer.

I had installed an electric fence around the orchard. Three cherry trees, the two apple trees, a couple of hazel not trees. Five feet high. It seemed to be working until it didn't.

I came home from a trip and all thhe blossoms and most of the vegitation had been eaten by the deer. Man was I pissed.

So I now have built a deer fence around the two trees. Seven and a half feet tall. Maybe in a couple of years it will approach the level it was before deermagedon.

The end s near

I have been working on getting the propeerty line adjusted between us and our neighbors to the South for almost a year.

As a recap, when we had the property line sutveyed between the two properties, it turned out that the prior owner had drlled the well on the neighbors property. It has taken until now to reach the point where I am sure things will work out. I just hired a real estate attorney to write up the legal mumbo jumbo to register the property line adjustment with the county.

All I have to say is that the process is WAY to involved and expensive. But at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.