Royal Flush

Any morning that starts out with overflowing toilets does not portend of a good day. I was an hour late for work this morning because I was busy cleaning and plunging. It could have been worse. It reminds me of this:

Words you never want to hear.

"Honey, did you know that when you flush the toilet, stuff comes up in the back yard?"

There is no way that this is going to turn out good. It was January in Seattle, so that means cold rain, us having only two seasons here: the cold rainy season, and the warm rainy season.

I flush, and run to the window overlooking the back yard. Sure enough, the back yard is getting Charminized. Right below the window water bearing tissue and unmentionable other things wells and subsides.

Oh crap.

Literally.

So I repair to the basement for a shovel and boots. This is not going to be amusing. Out into the pouring rain. Staring where the water is coming up, I follow the trail. Two feet down I come to where the pipe exits the house. The "Y" is split and part of it has fallen in and is blocking the line, so I go down to the hardware store and get a new section of pipe and some oakum to seal it, replace the pipe. By now the hole is three feet deep, and fills with water as fast as I can bail it out. Everyone in the house has been advised not to use the plumbing until I can complete my repairs. Every five minutes it is "Are you through yet? I really have to go!" "Go to the neighbors, or go up to the gas station."

Having replaced the section of pipe, I run inside and test the system. A veritable cornucopia of crap rises in the yard.

My hole becomes a trench and cesspool. Here I am knee deep in stuff I don't even want to think about, diggin' in the pouring rain. The first two pipes in the horizontal run are also split right down the middle. The third is intact. So I replace the pipes and seal everything up,

Inside to test the system. No apparent leaks.

Back outside and cover the trench back up. By now I am pretty much covered head to toe, and am pretty fragrant besides. I offend even myself.

I have never been happier to get in the shower than I was that day. Even after a half an hour scrubbing, I still felt dirty. Even today it gives me the shivers thinking about it.